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Thursday, April 23rd, 2009
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12:52 am - BOYS
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I've been meaning to post on here for a while about what's been going on with me socially but always forget! So, I'm doing this at 1 a.m. when I should be sleeping. Alright.
I have been somewhat secretly talking to a boy and trying not to like him, but I might anyway. It's too soon to say, but there is potential there. He is just SO FUNNY and that always wins me over, especially when the guy is smart because, well, we all know I love nerds. He seems to be like me in some ways, but also different, so it's never boring talking to him. I don't know if anything will come of it, but I am a bit conflicted on this because of David. He keeps sending me mixed signals and I haven't known how to react because I'm still not sure how to interpret any of them and I don't want to look like a fool. If I felt like it was ok, I would totally make a move, but I don't, so I hold back. I've been distant, but then I also still try to talk to him a lot, so in a way my signals are just as moxed, because I am so confused. If he was easier to read then I would be more confident in my actions. So, I'm debating over what to do about this, in case something could happen with either of these people. I've been told to confront David, which I am so scared to do, because I don't want to lose his friendship, still, no matter how flighty it is. I enjoy hanging out with him (and his friends) and even though I'm moving in a few weeks I'm still going to visit Huntsville. The actual confrontation intimidates me a little, but it's the aftermath that really worries me because, I mean, look at my life? It never ends well. I don't want him to be another dude who comes around a few years down the line, then disappears again and reappears. Why are guys like that? Why is being friends with an ex always so complicated?
So, any suggestions would be great, or you can just give me sympathy, haha, I'm just kidding. I'm actually happy at the moment. :) School is so close to being over, I'm just downright giddy! I have so many things to look forward to and
current mood:  curious
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| Sunday, April 19th, 2009
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11:55 pm - This Weekend
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It's been a while and there is much to say. Last weekend requires an entry unto itself, so that will have to wait. This weekend, I just learned, was the last one I'll be spending in Huntsville! :( I'm so busy lately, out of nowhere, partly from the clubs I'm in at school, partly actual schoolwork, and partly having a social life. Anyway, there are fun things coming up in the near future! I have the Japanese Festival and the International Festival next weekend, then the Hedwig drag show, then prom with Noah! Next is finals and I really want to finish early and just not have to be here that week at all, but I don't think I'm allowed to move out the previous week from my dorm. I also don't think I'll finish all that work so soon, but I'm gonna try. I'm going to be as productive as I can these last few weeks. Tomorrow I'm going to what should be an interesting reading about writing about music and then later have my induction ceremony for Sigma Tau Delta. I hope I can squeeze some time in to go to the gym because I really need to start slimming down for summer. My recent weight gain= unacceptable at this time. I can't wait for summer! I just found that Kevin is going to be in San Marcos taking summer school so I won't have to live with him! This makes my life instantly better. He may not talk to me but he still stresses me out, keeps me awake, and puts a damper on the mood of the house. I hope Kyler is in a good mood after finishing 1st grade because he hasn't been handling it well and he says he hates school. :/ I loved 1st grade so I can't relate but maybe 2nd will challenge him more and he will enjoy it. I hope we can read and write together, help each other be productive and continue to go running. I'm amazed I don't miss him more, but I'm sure I will by the end of the week.
current mood:  sleepy
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| Friday, April 3rd, 2009
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11:37 pm - Friday Night
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I have a few things to comment on that have happened in the past few weeks. First order of business, this boy we knew of in high school, through Spencer, was murdered last week. It was possibly a hate crime, they haven't quite figured out what happened yet, but it's just very strange because we used to make fun of him and I didn't even recognize him right off so I felt bad when I learned who he was. It's apparently a really big deal in Katy and Noah even got interviewed about it! Crazy stuff.
In boy related news, I've been talking to Brent a lot lately. It's actually him who's been iming me, but either way, it's weird how we go through long periods of time without speaking and then talk every day for a while. This is the 2nd time that's happened, only this time, we're both single, so we can complain about it together. It's comforting, in a way, because even though I know we are very different people now than we were back then we still have a sense of each other. It's fun talking about people from high school, especially since we didn't even go to the same high school, but more importantly I am glad that he talks to me about his personal life because it shows that he knows I will understand and sympathize, which is true. His life is far worse than mine right now and I really do feel sorry for him. On the David front, I believe he is officially ignoring me. I've tried to wait for him on campus this week and he has been nowhere to be found. He isn't responding to my messages anymore. He doesn't get on gchat, where we used to talk every night. He has texted me, but that's it. I honestly think something happened between him and Ashley last weekend and he is avoiding me to keep from having to tell me the truth or to keep from having mixed feelings. Either way, it's cowardly and I wish he would just be a man and confront me. I feel like I've been led on and this has never happened to me before. It's a really shitty feeling. Being friends was going well but now it's starting to suck. He asked me to send him my story so I did but I've gotten nothing in response to that email. I don't really think he's going to make me that cd anymore, either. His birthday is coming up so maybe I can just be a douche bag like he was for mine and give him the cold shoulder.
In other news, my family is going to Disneyworld without me next weekend and I'm hella sad about it. It just seems like bad timing with the way that I already feel left out because of the David situation. This just adds to my loneliness. Lately I've just felt like I have so much to get done but I can't concentrate on any of it because I'm more concerned with my social life. I haven't found a car, a job, or even my resume. I'm really behind in my schoolwork but every time I start to catch up I get sick and it sets me back again. I've been doing better at striving for happiness and not sulking. I haven't cried since David dumped me and that was an entire month ago. That's a big accomplishment for me. I've been writing in my diary a lot, too, trying to get out my emotions that way. It's soothing but also time consuming. I don't know how I kept up with it in high school. So I guess that is all, I've gotta take some more medicine now so I can crash. Haven't seen my roommate all day. Wonder where she's at. She fixed her computer so it doesn't sound like a vacuum anymore, yay! We also killed the roach that was in our room. I'm going to college station tomorrow, pretty much packed and ready to go *excitement*! I don't really care what I end up doing. Just going out to eat and being in good company will make me happy. I'm so bored up in here.
current mood:  sick
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| Friday, March 20th, 2009
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11:31 am - It's Friday, can you feel the thrill of it?!
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A lot has happened in 2 weeks, as usual. David dumped me, so I am single once again, but I am coping. Spring Break was last week and it was a blast! Coming back to school wasn't such a blast but seeing David definitely made it better. We are friends now and hopefully will stay that way until graduation. I really enjoy his company so not talking to him isn't the way to go. Over Spring Break I realized that it was actually the first time I didn't have a boyfriend since I was 15. I always have one in March so I've never actually been free to do whatever I want and that was nice. I got to see so many people and do things I don't usually do, so it was a real change of pace for me. The freedom really felt good.
My Houston birthday party was a total success, finally! There was a good turn out, despite the many cancellations, and we had so much fun singing karaoke at the Genji Restaurant and Karaoke Bar. We only stayed for an hour but we ordered enough food and drinks to meet the $50 bill minimum. Then we went to the bubble tea place nearby and played games, unsuccessfully, haha. They kicked us out at midnight, so we went home, but it we still had a good time.
I went to the English office on Tues. to hassel them and they've finally cleared me to graduate! Yay, I'm leaving for good in May! It feels like so much is happening this semester and after so much time in college I'm beginning to enjoy myself. Today Heather and I are going to help set up for the opening of the CHSS building for Sigma Tau Delta, my first time to do something for them. It's about time I participate in something school related. Japanese Culture Club has been fun. We drew pictures of cartoon rice cakes for this open house thing last night and they were really cute. I'm not gonna lie, I'm going to miss all my friends here like crazy but I aim to see everyone over the summer and try to get in a last few weeks of entertainment before I enter "the real world" of working full time and having no life. Working has put a damper on my summers ever since I started doing it, but it's not longer something I can just cringe at because I am now "an adult", *shudder*.
I've been looking at cars to purchase for May and really liking what I see. It hasn't sunk in that I'm actually get my own car that didn't belong to anyone else first and I won't have to share with anyone. I even get to pick a color I like, which I didn't think my dad would be too partial to, but he is! He's trying to listen to my concerns and get me a car I'll have better luck with than my current one, which I really appreciate. Of course, my mom isn't so understanding. She hates everything we looked at but I think we're going to buy one regardless of what she has to say about it. She's not paying for it so she shouldn't care. It sucks that all the money I've earned in the past year is going to be gone once I get this car but it will also be the first time I've spent a large sum of money on anything and I think that will make me feel very accomplished and proud of my vehicle. I can't wait! And hopefully Noah won't ruin my old car so I can still ride around in it and be nostalgic, haha.
current mood:  accomplished
current music: The Bens- Wicked Little Town
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| Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009
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9:42 pm - Melodrama up in here
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I officially hate my life. If you don't want to hear a bunch of bitching then skip this entry because it's not going to be pretty. These past few weeks things have been crazy, and now, 2 days from my birthday, it's getting worse and worse. Last week I spent a lovely good few days with David and I really got my hopes up. I hadn't been that happy in years. I really thought that I'd finally found someone like me who would be a good boyfriend and like all my friends, but apparently I was wrong. Everything was wonderful for that one week, but then he started having doubts, for reasons beyond me, and then he found out another girl MIGHT like him, a girl he doesn't even really know, but it was enough for him to dump me. And he doesn't know what he wants, despite the fact that he told me he doesn't want a relationship, he may date this girl anyway. If I see her, I will seriously kill her. She blew him off months ago and now, NOW, she has to go and ruin my chances. I've never been rejected for another person before. This is a really shitty feeling. Now, even though I just deleted all my Jonathan stuff from my phone a week ago, I must go and delete all of my David stuff, too. I guess my inbox is going to be pretty empty. What really sucks is the fact that my relationship with David extends almost as far back as mine with Jonathan so now I want to squash the entire last year and a half of my life, full of so many memories and love squandered. I am so embarrassed to even face my classmates, co-workers, and family, all of which I have to explain that yet again I have failed. Before this was even capable of manifesting into anything it died. I didn't even shed a tear after V-Day, and now I can't stop. I can't remember the last time I was this broken hearted. I feel hopeless. I haven't felt like so many aspects of my life were out of whack since I was in 11th grade. I seriously just want to move into an apartment and be by myself. I feel bad for Amy having to deal with me right now, but going home just brings more drama and stress as everything falls apart with my grandma. I'm not even looking forward to Spring Break. I wish I was going out of town somewhere and escaping everything. I want to graduate already and be done with Sam. I have so many bad memories at this school. If I had to stay here any longer than I already do I think I'd drop out. This is just too much.
current mood:  crushed
current music: The Willowz- I Wonder
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| Sunday, February 22nd, 2009
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11:07 pm - February
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I broke up with Jonathan on Valentine's Day. It was hard, but I'm glad I did it and now I have just been reminded why he's such a manipulative jerk. He moved me down to like spot #20, by people that he barely knows, on MySpace a few months, maybe weeks ago, I can't even remember. It bothered me, I asked him about, he said he wanted all the music stuff in the front, but there were people like Chris up there, too, so it was just a bunch of BS. Now, since we are no longer together, we moved me up to spot #1, just like last time we broke up. He said he's keeping me in his prayers, but I wish he would just wise up and realize those prayers are going unanswered. And in conclusion, Jessie just called me so I'll update further later.
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| Monday, January 26th, 2009
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1:14 am
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First off, I want to apologize to Noah because I said I would call you back and I didn't! I was on the phone with various people all night so I never had a free moment, ugh, but I will try and talk to you some time this week. Secondly, in regards to Kevin, I did email my dad telling him that Kevin was drunk and he called Kevin to ask him. He confessed and basically said that my mom was the reason he didn't tell him so we've completely left her out of it. She doesn't know my dad knows. I'm not sure if Kevin knows I'm the one who told him, but if he does hopefully he won't confront me about it because I will give him a piece of my mind if he does. I feel much less conflicted now that this is over with, or at least seems over with. I've taken to playing my IPOD with my crazy lamp and listening to headphones after Amy goes to sleep again to ease my mind. It's helping me cause this semester has already been brutal. I can tell that I have much less work since I technically only have 2 classes that are heavy loads, but for the first time in my life I've come down with Senioritis and don't feel like doing this anymore. I really want to move on with life and just progress to something bigger and right now I don't see myself getting any closer to that. Everything feels at a halt and I can't break through this haze I'm living in. I just have that feeling like I keep messing up and aren't fixing things like I should be. But tomorrow (it's already tomorrow, but whenever I wake up) is a new day and I will accomplish more and be proud of something that I've done.
current mood:  pensive
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| Tuesday, January 13th, 2009
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6:47 pm
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So my hopes for an easy semester just went down the drain. I have 18 books to read and I have to do another annotated bibliography for my large research paper. Luckily, my other 4 papers should be easy to write and relatively short. My World Fiction class turned out to be a Caribbean Lit class, which I am not the least bit interested in, and I’m very disappointed at how boring it seems. We have 6 books, 3 papers, 2 tests, random quizzes, articles to read online, AND we have to post to bb every week? I get enough of that in Kaukonen’s class, give me a break. And he is now requiring that we post 500+ words not only about our peers’ stories but each story we read for hw, too, so in a week I will be posting at least 1,075 words to bb between these 2 classes. I felt like the only people who wanted to be in the Caribbean class were the kids who took her before and therefore probably knew what the class was going to specialize in. I spent the time calculating how much money I can make this semester, because I need $1000 to pay for my car, and I can make it so I’m gonna do it. I really don’t have time, I now know, to get a job here in Huntsville, so I’m going to take advantage of the one I already have and don’t have to be trained to learn how to do. I’m going to find my old resume and update it and continue my career search. I don’t care what my parents say, I’m still planning on getting certified and working with kids when I graduate. I need all the writing experience I can get. And I can still go to Austin and work with Badgerdog. It sounds great, I just don’t know if I can work as an instructor or only an intern. I’m trying to decide what to send in to the Sam Houston Review right now. I want to send an essay, a short story, and a poem. Getting published would really help me get a job. Now I must go do my loads of hw due this week. :[
current mood: accomplished
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| Thursday, January 8th, 2009
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9:24 pm - Kevin
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Last night we received a relentless phone call at 2:30 a.m. My mom would not wake up and answer it, so I picked it up, knowing it was Kevin calling her. He told me it was a 100% emergency (Degrassi much?) and to wake her up so I went downstairs and handed her the phone. She was asking "where are you?" when I went back to bed. I heard her leave a few min. later.
This morning she came into my bathroom like nothing had happened so I asked her. She said Kevin got drunk and flipped over the car, crushing himself under it, so they had to break the back windshield to pull him out. And that was it. I asked if he got a DUI or his license revoked, but nothing. He got a few tickets. I guess he was alone when this happened. Since he is diabetic and cannot drink the alcohol made him blackout and that's why he flipped. He could have died or killed someone else on the freeway, but everyone's acting like nothing even happened. He looked fine when I opened the door for him, even though I can't really see with all that clothing on and I can't look him in the face. Now more than ever I can't make direct eye contact.
I'm so angry and frustrated. My dad is out of town and I'm not allowed to tell him until he gets back, when the both of us will be gone, because he's going to flip out. I've stopped emailing him because that's the only thing I would actually want to say. And Kyler knows nothing of course. He hasn't even asked where Kevin's car is. They're already looking at brand new ones to replace it. This is ridiculous. I'm not gonna be able to get a new car, but he's getting another one? He's not even gonna have to pay for the tickets since he's never had a job. If I did something like this my life would be over, but he gets nothing. When my dad gets home he will punish him. At first I was scared, worried, and sad, but now I'm pissed. I want to talk to his friends and find out the truth. They all know his condition and I just can't believe that they would let him get drunk. Someone had to egg him on a lot. They have to accept that he'll never be like him and they can't force him to try. I want to know if he's learned anything from this. Was he scared enough to never drink again or will he just never drink and drive? I want to talk to him but can't. It's been over 5 years since we've had a conversation. The last time must have been when Kyler was a baby and we fought over him. I wish he would see a therapist. I think he's under so much pressure that he doesn't know how to get relief. I know he won't talk to me but if he'd talk to someone I'd feel so much better. How much more of his life can he spend bottled up inside himself?
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| Monday, December 29th, 2008
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8:29 pm - I'm in a list making mood
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Pros of being in Snyder:
- less responsibility
- more time than one could ever need
- I think my cousin has more in common with me now that she's in college
- NO KEVIN
- since they were teachers they have lots of crafty things
- no one keeping me awake, I go to bed last
Cons:
- BAD FOOD, eating at places like The Shack where they can't even make a decent turkey sandwich
- being constantly followed by someone and never getting to be alone
- nagging from everyone
- my mom making all the decisions and Kyler and I having to abide
- no Dad
- limited internet time/speed
- no exercise :[
- dry air
- flat hair
- the feeling of being trapped
Well, it's still more bad than good, but I'll be going home tomorrow. At least Kyler has been enthralled with his Mario game so I don't have to entertain him every second. And I have 5 books to read, on #2. I found some cool 60's stuff to give to Jonathan, too. He really liked the gifts I got him, especially the drawing pencils, which made me happy. I was afraid he wouldn't like the type, but he did, and said he's going to draw ME. He got me the Love Street Light Circus bag and shirt, nice headphones, and tights. He was going to get me 2 other gifts, but ran out of time, so I told him to forget it. He is working on my cd still, sigh, who knows when I will ever get that thing! Maybe V-Day. I've been working on his scrapbook religiously and Kyler said it looks really good. His approval is hard to come by so I take that as a reassuring sign. I really need to start a story for fiction and poems for poetry, too, but I'm not inspired. I haven't even been in the mood to write, which is weird for me. I need a conflict idea so badly so I can start 1 of my stories. My grandma showed me some stories I wrote for her 10 years ago and they were SO funny. Definetly worth reviewing. Time for another list.
Things my parents have in common:
- grew up in TX
- graduated 1st in their classes in high school
- good at math
- have brown hair naturally
- obsessed with saving $
- anal about everything
- like to go to exotic places
- love food, especially foreign
- wanted kids (and got them, for better or worse)
- nearly married someone else before each other
- have a sweet tooth
- like watching movies on TV
and that is all I can think of. I have wracked my brain trying to think how my parents got together, but the only conclusion I ever come to is that they found each other smart and my mom wanted my dad's $. Maybe my dad admired my mom's drive and my mom was attracted to nerds or sensitive guys, I don't know. They are almost complete opposites and I can't help but wonder. I think I will ask them.
current mood: curious
current music: Kyler's gameboy
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| Friday, December 26th, 2008
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11:14 pm - So this is Christmas
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I'm really starting to grow concerned about being an adult. It seems like I am constantly doing things wrong and completely incapable of running my own life. I lose everything, forget even more, and despite my mad organization and planning skills, still end up messing crap up. I would like to write in my diary, but left it at school, so I have to rant in here. I was pretty excited about Christmas this year, but now I just want it to end. It's drug out so long in my family since we go to Snyder after the fact. I wish Jonathan could come with me. :[ I'm bringing things to do but nothing can kill the boredom of Snyder like having another person present to share it with. Only my mom, Kyler, and I are going, a set up I've never done before, so I'm particularly dreading the trip. I'm glad Kevin has to stay home due to his class, but I wish my dad was coming. I'm going to be entertaining Kyler for 4 days, and esp in the car, that is not fun. I know our granddad has a computer game we can play, but we can hardly use the internet because it takes up the phone line, so it's a limited option. The winter time is always the worse in Snyder because my skin gets SO dry and itchy and my hair goes flat. I look and feel like shit the whole time. At least in the summer I can go swimming. Since the weather is so retarded this year it isn't even snowing. If it did snow I would be ecstatic and stay out there with Kyler for hours.
So the past 2 weeks have been hectic and this is the first day I've had to relax. I went with my dad to The Nutcracker, which sucked because we were at the very top, which meant a sudden fall to the death loomed ahead. We could barely watch the stage, couldn't even see the orchestra, so were dizzy and made fun of the fact that even from up there we could see this guy's ass crack as he pranced around the stage with a girl on each arm, haha. I also went to see Santaland Diaries with Noah, which cost almost twice as much as The Nutcracker, for unknown reasons, because it ws just ONE GUY reciting the story by memory. There were some occassional props used, and the guy was very enthusiastic, I'll give him that, but I would have rather just seen David Sedaris read it himself at a reading than some dude I don't even know ramble for an hour. We thought they would do something different with it, like actually include the other characters in true life form, but it was just the story. I can buy the book for $10, so no thanks. I went ice skating with my dad and Kyler, and my dad and I cheated and shared skates because we're cheap, but they were the worst skates and ice ever. You could feel every cut as you slid and even though it was rough people were eating it all over the place. Kyler fell down over 10 times. Luckily, I didn't fall, but I was only out there for 30 min. I prefer roller blading.
In happier news, Jonathan and I went to see The Spirit whichw as really good. People were saying it wasn't as good as Sin City, which is to be expected, I mean, it's PG-13 guys, come on! But I liked it, I thought Samuel L. Jackson was funny, and I don't even like him. I've been getting Jonathan into Degrassi, always a goal of mine, so that's cool. It's amazing how many people I have sent down the Degrassi hole of obsession, just by association. That's one thing I can say I am proud of. :] Things with Jonathan in general are good, as he surprises me with his sensitivity. I'm at his job now, going to eat lunch, so I have to go, but I will update from Snyder. By then I should remember more of what I wanted to say, and have funnier stories to tell.
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| Thursday, December 4th, 2008
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11:23 pm - This place sucks
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This semester really needs to end. This week has been almost too horrible for me to bare. I had a papaer due every day except Friday (which is why I'm able to type this now) and will Mon. and Tues. as well. I'm barely able to sleep at all and thus keep showing up late to class, 2 and a 1/2 hours today. Our night class prof decided to finally grade our 1st paper, which we wrote in the beginning of Oct., and now assigned for us to turn 1 in next Tues. and the day of our final, which isn't allowed: that's why we have dead day. I wanted to rip my hair out when I read his email. He talked about it being a GOOD thing that he wouldn't assign us another paper until he graded the 1st one, but we now have 2 weeks to write 2 more. How is that a good thing? Does he think we don't have to study for our finals? This man has completely screwed us over time and time again all semester and I can't wait to be out of his class. It took up so much of my time and yet I'm still doing badly, so what is the point? I should've dropped it at the beginning and taken something else next semester.
Yesterday I saw an open spot in the parking lot after working out so I went to my car to move it there, so I could actually be close to my room, but by the time I made it back to the HKC the spot had been taken, even though it was 6 o'clock at night. I was mad so I just parked my car where I did last year with the intent of moving it late at night when people would leave campus. Of course, I forgot about the whole thing, so today when I tried to pay my tuition I had a $30 fee to pay for this semester and I was enraged because I've already had to pay so much to the freaking library this semester that I really can't afford giving the school any more of my money. So I had to pay for that before my tuition, so my classes don't get dropped, and my mom was really mad about not knowing what the $30 was and telling me to go see the registrar. I just moved my car and found the ticket so now I have to tell her that's what the fee was. She's already mad at me, accusing me of ruining our brand new computer by playing games on it with Kyler, even though that has nothing to do with why we couldn't get internet service. She knows nothing about computers and she is driving everyone except Kyler insane by blaming us for everything and telling us to fix it and forcing us off of "her" computer. She even calls my dad from across the country and yells about it so that when I try to call him long distance he just bitches about her the whole time. So on this note, Noah, I can relate to you and am willing to discuss our crazy mothers at any given time.
I wanted Kyler to come to the parade, but since my mom is being a bitch and refusing, and her vote overpowers anything my dad wants to do, they won't come. Jonathan was going to come, but now his job just got in a bunch of work so he has to work 12 hour shifts for the next 2 weekends. He is the only thing keeping me going right now. I don't know what I'd do without him. I haven't felt so burnt out since I 1st came to Sam and had to drop my lab. I feel like my performance is dwindling and my profs are disappointed because they know I can do better. I wish I could prove myself, but I have nothing left to give. My dad says I'll be a lot less stressed when I work because at least you are done when you get home, and I agree. There's nothing like the satisfaction of going home and knowing you're done for the day. I can't wait to feel that again.
current mood:  sad
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| Friday, November 7th, 2008
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3:18 pm - News
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Last night my dad called me and informed me that Kevin got in his first car accident. He's only had his brand new car maybe a year and now the whole front end has to be replaced. He is a very cautious driver, but he just got a ticket 2 weeks ago for speeding on the way back to school (same exact reason I got mine) so now he is in deep legal trouble because he got another one for this incident. Him and a friend were sitting at a stop light with the windows open when a bee flew in and in the process of trying to swat it away his foot slipped off the brake and they rolled into the truck in front of them. The truck had a trailer type thing attached so it hooked onto Kevin's car and ripped a hole in it, but worse than that, the guy driving was a total loser and claimed whiplash so an ambulance came and put him in a neck brace. Now we have to pay for his medical bills, fixing Kevin's car, and our insurance is going up. My dad was already right about to take out a loan to pay for our schools, and we keep having to push back getting regular work done to our cars, and doctor's appointments, because we can't afford this right now. I'm trying to get a job next semester to help and my dad wants my mom to get a job, but I don't know if he's told her this yet. He seems to feel really guilty about me helping pay, and he has no idea that my mom already owes me so much money, but I've never seen them struggle like this and I can't just let it happen. I was just about to lend Jonathan some money to buy a new bed for their new house. My mom can easily get a part time accounting job while Kyler is at school and my dad said he can probably even get her one at his office. If I'm able to get a new job instead of just working odd hours at the hair salon I could rake in a lot before summer even starts. Kevin needs to get a job over X-mas, but who would possibly hire him? I just feel so bad for him. He was already so stressed over this ticket, and now his mini-mester class might get dropped because no one else has signed up for it, and then this. My dad says he's really depressed and told me not to let himbe alone, like he's going to commit suicide or something. Kyler of course is blissfully clueless, as he should be. He just went outside and when I looked through the blinds he was swinging next to Kevin who was CRYING. That's where I go to be alone, too, up in that fort. No one ever expect you to be there. I haven't seen Kevin cry since we were little, maybe junior high. It was heart wrenching. He was petting the dogs, the only things alive that give him comfort. I hope Kyler made him feel better. What a disaster.
current mood:  distressed
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| Monday, October 13th, 2008
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3:10 pm - October
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Since the hurricane things have picked up! I was able to catch up on my work, yay, and am on track now, meaning I will graduate next semester! Jonathan will be moved out by then so when I move back home I will be closer to him and able to see him every week, most likely. I might work 2 jobs, it depends how much I get payed and how many hours I can get. In school news, my roommate just got ENGAGED so she's spending most of her time making decisions preparing for the wedding, which helps me write my story which just so happens to be about an engaged couple. We get along well, but I wish she wasn't so messy. Our neighbors suck so I'm glad I can deal with her. I'm happy for them, but think they are rushing it and could eventually get a divorce.
Halloween is coming up, Jonathan and I are dressing disco, and Kyler is The Hulk. I bought a cat shirt that lights up to wear during the day before changing into my costume and some really cool silver glitter tights for my boots. Jonathan's shows with The Love Street Light Circus and Chango Man are coming up, too. He's playing the charity show and the aftershow following The Latin Grammys in Nov. and practice shows starting this week. I can only see one of each. I don't think I'll be in Huntsville very much the rest of the semester. I don't like to with Amy here anyway. I prefer to be alone on the weekends; it's the only time I get any privacy.
Today Heather and I's professor never showed so we didn't have our midterm. It's my 1st test of the year. I assume we'll have it on Wed. instead. Every day when I sit and read for hours I start falling asleep and this is why I've been working out so much, to have an opportunity to move, but this past week I haven't because I ate an undercooked burger at Fair on the Square and it made me sick. :[ I keep waiting to get better but it's apparently not going to happen so I'm going to have to buy some medicine. I have to wait until nighttime or I will lose my parking spot and go all the way to the stadium because Sam is retarded. I better work on my papers before sleep kicks in again. If only we would have known we could sleep in that extra hour this morning...
current mood:  mellow
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| Wednesday, September 17th, 2008
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10:33 pm - Hurricane Ike
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I had started typing an entry Sat. night before the hurricane hit but we kept losing power and getting it back so I erased that one and am starting over. Thurs. after class I packed my things and headed for H-town, stopping in Conroe on the way to fill up on gas, anticipating caos ahead of me. Surprised by a row of stuffed gorillas in front of the bathroom, I grabbed one, wrote yes on the tag, and accepted Jonathan's invitation to be his girlfriend. I dropped it off at his house, begged his dad to come stay at our house for the storm, and made my way home. The panic I expected hadn't set in yet, so it was a smooth trip and I just did hw upon reaching my house. Over the next few days the hurricane seemed like it would never arrive, but it finally hit at 2 a.m. Sat. night just as my parents woke up to catch the news with me. I slept on the couch, where the screen was ripped off the window in front of me, so it clacked loudly all through the morning while I attempted rest. It got fairly windy, but almost no rain, leaving us all a little shocked and confused. The power flickered on and off for hours and then days. Jonathan and I stayed on the phone until 4 a.m. when I passed out, and he texted me at 5 to let me know their power was gone for good, but I was too tired to text back.
The next day was pretty uneventful, we played games in the dark, I did more hw, chased Kyler around the house, until 2 a.m., again, when the rain hit. It was silent while I lie in bed when suddenly out of nowhere a gust of hard rain slammed against my window, causing me to leap up in fright. I hate rain, most people know, so I knew it would be another restless night. This rain was unrelenting; it pounded on all morning and didn't let up until about 10. I got a text from Jonathan at 6:47 a.m. telling me the inevitable: his house was flooded. He called me and we talked, but I was barely conscious and having a hard time understanding the severity of the situation. He asked me to pray for them, and I did, before falling back asleep minutes later.
The whole next day was almost unbearable. I was terrified of what ws happening to Jonathan's family and couldn't reach them because his sister dropped her phone in the water and everyone else had theirs off to conserve battery power. I couldn't call anyone and even lost my ability to text. I was able to talk to Jessie on our home phone and learn that her family was doing alright. Our worst damage was the screen but we also had a fence rip. Since we prepared wisely ahead of time by putting everything in the garage we made it out ok. I asked Jonathan's family to do the same, but they didn't, so they've never been in worse condition than they are now. With everything destroyed in their house, his mother has decided they must move out. I helped them move/throw out the furniture and rip out the horrid smelling carpet but they are still in such bad shape. We had to get rid of the couch his father sleeps on, so now he has to cram next to his mother on the couch bed that can't really hold the both of them. They still have no power so they came to my house and we gave them food and water and took them grocery shopping since nothing was open in Houston. Serena's car died instantly and Jonathan's finally gave out yesterday from the water inside so I met them at Walmart in Houston and we waited for wrecker to come get his car for 2 hours. It was ok since they had McDonald's open in that one so we didn't starve. After going back to the house and throwing out the old carpet we got new carpet from a neighbor and put it down in the living room because the glue from the floor was getting all over us and it needed to be covered instantly. Luckily nothing major broke or rotted besides the floor and chairs and couch so the rest can stay.
My grandma had been at my aunt and uncle's during the storm but got bored? and wanted to go home, and they left her, because they're not very bright, so we had to go pick her up and bring her here. She didn't understand that she had no electricity and all her food was ruined and we could not risk something happening if we left her there all alone. Even though she is mucho bored and homesick she's still safe here with us, and Kyler provides entertainment like no other. We've done a lot of coloring and even Hungry Hungry Hippos. Jonathan's next door neighbor is also a widow, like my grandma, and equally uncapable of cleaning up her yard, so we were helping her, too, and she admitted to having a crush on Jonathan. She kept saying "if I wasn't 86 years old I'd be after you, too!" We made a lot of jokes about that the whole day.
I don't think I've ever been so worried about another person as I was when their house was under water. I couldn't stop crying and praying and wishing I could just drive over there, despite the closed freeways. Sitting in their front yard eating dinner by candlelight felt like where I belonged, in a happy place, relaxed despite the trauma, and away from my nagging family. The minute Jonathan and I started to argue we stopped and hugged each other tight apologizing because we were just stressed about his car and it was before he knew he was going to get a check for the rest of the money the gov owed him. Every time we could take a break from the heavy lifting we would sit on the couch outside and cuddle in the cool breeze and it was nice. It was the first time we have ever hung out where there was no schedule: no time to leave, no homework for me to finish, no songs to practice, just us. And lying together in candlelight was highly romantic. I couldn't think of a better way to spend our first day as a couple. It was like falling in love all over again. :] Something about the way he kept lying his head on my shoulder, asking to be taken care of and protected from all the bad things that had happened, made me feel like I was in the right place and I could stay there forever. And for that my sore arms today are worth it.
current mood:  drained
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| Saturday, August 30th, 2008
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4:51 pm - Hurricane Gustav
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So this hurricne is out to destroy more than just land and homes. I thought I was going to have a nice, peacful holiday weekend where I could celebrate my relationship with Jonathan and do as little work as possible, but it has taken a turn for the worst. My cousins are coming to stay with us during the hurricane again, but this time my aunt AND uncle will be living under our roof together, hating the very fiber of each other's being. Considering the circumstances of the past few years, what with the finality of their years long impending divorce and emergence of his illegitimate Mexican child, I can only assume that their relation to each other is the worst it's ever been. I haven't seen my cousin since he hit puberty and turned ghetto, but that will be undoubtedly awkward to face, as well as my aunt who hasn't conversed with me since Kyler's conception seven years ago.
Last night I left my house and went to Jonathan's after having a huge fight with my dad because I just couldn't deal. Nothing I do is ever good enough for my family and I don't know how to change it or ignore them or stop caring. All I want is for things to be ok between us, but it never is. I felt guilty all night about leaving Kyler with my jetlagged father, but I couldn't be around them anymore. I really am going to have to stop going home so often, or at least sleeping there. If I could just stay at someone else's house that would be so much better. I have to go home and help get things ready for our 5 guests (they're bringing that stupid dog I can't stand, too).
School has been going great, which is why this weekend is so frustrating. My new roommate is extremely nice, despite her Chi Alpha obsession and the fact that she's never around. She bought us a whole bunch of groceries and she's good to converse with when she is in our room for short periods of time. She's also very understanding about our arrangements and things of the sort. In conclusion, I like her and she's easier to live with than Stefanie was. I love my classes, too, since I hand picked them myself. The only one which worries me is my night class because it's 8 Cormac McCarthy novels and I'm a freaking slow reader. I just finished the first one and I'm kind of behind in reading for my other classes but I've been catching up all day today at Jonathan's job.
I'm really sorry to anyone who wanted to hang out this weekend. If you want to come over and meet my reltives that's fine, I just don't know if I can leave my house. I don't know when I'll be back again, but I will make a point to spend time with anyone who wants to. I miss my friends. :[
current mood:  aggravated
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| Monday, July 7th, 2008
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7:43 pm - To everyone:
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I don't mean for this to sound bitchy but I start school on Thurs. and will be working everyday afterwards so please don't call me from 8-10:05 a.m., 12:30-2:35 p.m., 3-7p.m, or anytime after 11. I'll call you if I get a free moment, but overall I will be really busy and probably really cranky so if you'd rather not have me snap at you don't call me Mon- Thurs. My lunch break would most likely be your best bet of getting ahold of me. I'm trying to make time for everybody before I start so don't feel neglected if you don't get to see me. We still have the weekends. Also, I'm sorry to anyone who wanted to hang out with me while I was in Huntsville, but that was my only chance to go and I planned it ages ago so I'm really glad I went through with it. We had fun and I think that was honestly the happiest I've been all summer. :]
Anyway, I'm home now and our AC broke at work AGAIN. That is my biggest aggravation right now mainly because no one wants to get their hair cut in 94 degree weather so we have no business anyway and thus sit and sweat while we read. I'm finally almost done with David's book! I like the part about Japan because it's bringing back memories of the same things I saw there. I might include a chapter about it in my book. Driver's Ed chapter coming next! So I'm relieved because I thought my classes were longer but they are actually 2 hours and 5 minutes (weird length) each so that's only 4 hours for the day. I'm looking at the books right now and my French one is $106.50 USED and I apparently will be having a lab again, which is strange, but hopefully means I only have class for an hour and lab the other hour. That sounds almost relaxing. And by the time pysch rolls around I will be awake and fed so I should enjoy that class, hopefully. I'm afraid there might be mainly old people in my classes because of the subjects, but I am almost optimistic about making a new friend. The people are so strange there so I'll at least have a good laugh.
I've successfully made it through my 1st month of pills, and while it was terrible, I keep telling myself that given more time my body will adjust. I just can't say enough how disappointed I am that it didn't make any positive changes for me. I still had my period 8 days, I still have lots of acne, and I'm not having sex, so really I got nothing out of this besides losing a few pounds. I am thankful for the weight loss, but fear it is temporary and will actually result in me gaining even more in the long run. So yes, I am thinking about this most of the time and am grateful to have school coming up to occupy my brain with something else and give me more exciting things to talk about. I hope all of you are having nice summers and on an ending note, anyone going to Theresa's baby shower want to go gift shopping with me, possibly this weekend?
current mood:  contemplative
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| Monday, June 30th, 2008
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1:28 am
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I've lost my diary for the millionth time but finding Beth's address and writing her a letter for the first time in years definitely made me feel better since I've been so bummed about not seeing her this summer. I'm working on sending out my book as soon as I retrieve my USB drive from work. :/ I really hope no one noticed it on Sat. I could get in major trouble for that. BOTH of my parents used the treadmill today. Made me feel really guilty for not doing so. Still using the ab slide everyday and doing my exercises though. I got down to my goal weight today but will be back up again tomorrow when I eat. :[ I so don't want to work, blah. It's late and I really should go to bed but I'm so awake now. I've been spending way too much time on I-Tunes making cds for people. I watched Harriet the Spy by myself tonight because I was supposed to watch it with Jonathan. I guess I'll be doing that with a lot of movies. Not Wall-e though, he'd be devastated, he asked me in April. Today I was suddenly overcome with the desire to draw something, but I never did it. I never went to the trouble of getting out one of my sketchpads and going for it. I've been wanting to write something new, too, but also have neglected doing so. What is wrong with me? I either never finish or never even start my ideas. I will get nowhere this way. Hmm, well, I hope to at least finish reading this book in the next week and mail this letter and my transcript. Hopefully I'll get my new phone and card soon! I will be so much happier then!
current mood:  artistic
current music: The Rolling Stones- Brown Sugar
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| Saturday, June 28th, 2008
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1:09 am - None
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This is the worst summer ever and it keeps getting worse. Every time I think things are looking up they go back down again. It's about to be July, the month I've been dreading, and I'm just ready for it to be here already so I can be closer to Aug. I can't wait to go back to school-- I never thought I'd hear myself say that, but I hate it here. Some things will follow me back to Huntsville, but at least when I move back in I'll be able to be alone sometimes and not have to work. I guess what I'm saying is I'm just plain sad. Sorry to be a downer.
current mood:  depressed
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| Tuesday, June 24th, 2008
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12:38 am - Long entry
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I hate not being able to access the internet. >:[ Especially when I’ve been wanting to get on it for days and my computer has not worked in a week. So I’m back from Dallas and it was a lot of fun, but I wish my body wasn’t so sensitive to EVERYTHING because it makes it really hard to enjoy vacations. At this moment I am sunburned, chapped, covered in mosquito bites and bruises, and am all around bitchy due to my aggravation with my body. When I first started taking my pill I wasn’t doing a good job of taking my pill at the same hour everyday and felt bad so now I do it religiously and I think it’s helping. I still have daily cramps, but I don’t feel nauseous or headachy anymore. My appetite has been very crazy, though. Like my last day in Dallas I ate SO much food and then yesterday and today I barely ate anything. I hope all the weight fluctuations don’t mess up my body even more. I’m still having spotting, but that’s normal, just like the appetite change, so I’m trying not to worry, something that’s always a hard task for me. After reading the pamphlet 3 times I should be ready for anything average that could happen to me. I just found five of all my old medications which expired in the 90’s and finally threw them away. It made me feel extra determined to make this one work for me when nothing else ever does. I always give up, and most likely too soon to judge, so I’m attempting to change that part of me.
Anyway, I’ve added a bunch more to my book and will be sending a mass email out soon. I have many questions about things I don’t remember so feel free to correct me. Some of these events I didn’t even witness.
Can I just say that work was a somewhat enjoyable escape before MO came along. Now I dread going even when my boss isn’t going to be there because he works the same hours as me, meaning I will see him everyday and he will force me to listen to him ramble for at least an hour, in which I will sit or stand and nod my head. Today I tried to hide from him in the back with my book, but it doesn’t matter whether I’m reading, writing, or working, he will follow me everywhere and bleed from one topic to the next. I can’t understand half of what he says, partly because of his English and partly because he always talks to me about his other businesses and money. I have to hear enough about money from Kyler, seriously, I hate talking about it, who cares? I hate when people tell me things like “oh, I spent __ on my car” or “she had a diamond that was worth __”. What do they want from me, a medal? SHUT UP!
Ok, I think I’m done ranting now, phew. From reading this you’d think I’m in a really bad mood right now, but I’m totally not, just annoyed that I’m typing this up on Word only to post it later when the internet works. I’m working out and swimming again, which makes me feel loads better. Now that Kyler can swim laps I actually get exercise going to the pool with him. He could probably go running with me, too, honestly. I just like to use that time to escape his little voice and be by myself. I think the summer is going to look up now. I feel productive in my life and things have been really great with Jonathan. He’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had and it seems like nothing will change that. Talking to him always cheers me up and seeing him relaxes me because I feel safe and at home. Oh THANK GOD Kevin is fixing my comp. I never thought the sight of him would make me so happy.
current mood:  hopeful
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